||[Feb. 1st, 2010|05:04 am]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
|[||Song Currently Stuck in my Head
|||||Dragonforce - Heartbreak Armageddon||]|
OK, so I was finally cajoled into seeing James Cameron's Ego; er, I mean, Avatar.
Believe what the internet tells you; it is indeed Ferngully meets Dances With Wolves in space, and somehow manages to be EVEN LESS SUBTLE than the reviews say it is. The script is total shit, but the visuals are actually worth paying some cash to see on a big screen. (Though someone really needs to explain to Mr. Cameron how this whole "gravity" thing works. Some kind of explanation for the floating mountains, even a bullshit one, would have been nice. I mean, at least Zendikar had innate magic.)
I was surprised, though, that I actually found two characters whom I actually really liked; Sigourney Weaver (I can't remember her character's name), and Colonel Quaritch. Weaver's character represents the only use of subtlety in the entire movie; I've heard people bitch and bitch and bitch about the fact that she smokes in every single one of her scenes, but that and her constant tired look represent the fact that she doesn't really give a flying fuck about her human body anymore. Plus, it's Sigourney Weaver; she knows a thing or two about how to play a role in a sci-fi movie.
The Colonel, on the other hand...man. He is just the most completely over-the-top, HOO-RAH marine motherfucker this side of R. Lee Ermey. I loved it. He constantly lifts weights because "this low gravity will make you soft," and had his face bitched up on the first day of his tour. The advanced medical science of the period could have removed the scars, but he decided to keep them "as a reminder that everything on this planet wants to kill you." Fucking badass.
But, of course, they both die. LOL SPOILERS.
On another note, it may surprise a couple of you to know that I was really, really rooting for the White Military-Industrial Complex element in this movie rather than the people who are TOTALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO BE INDIANS LOLZ. This is because A) It's just a movie, and it can be really fun to root for the bad guys sometimes; and B) My allegiances, first and foremost, are to Planet Earth. HOORAY FOR EARTH!
Besides, it would have been a much more poignant and meaningful film if the protagonists had gotten all geared-up for the final climactic battle only to be brutally and mercilessly slaughtered.
Aside from that, I just have one more thing to say. GODDAMN I hate it when the villains are intentionally underwritten, and this movie had that trope in fucking spades.
Know what I would have done in their place? OK, you get fucking humiliated by the natives Ewok-style and have to leave the planet. They expect you won't ever come back. Let them think that. Then, you send over a gi-fucking-normous orbital weapons platform, which will get there in 6 years - long enough to convince them that all threat of future invasion is out of the question. You get the latitude and longitude of the Tree Of Souls, put the station in geosynchronous orbit over the site, and drop two dozen fucking nukes on it. KILL THEIR GOD.
Oh, and to all those furfag losers who actually get depressed by this movie - FUCKING KILL YOURSELVES. At least you'll do us a favour by freeing up some much-needed resources. Pussies.
And that's all I have to say about that.