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The Big Creepy Gaijin

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DethSpoooock: Where No MAN Has Gone Before [Jun. 8th, 2011|08:47 pm]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[I'm |geeky]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Voltaire - Worf's Rap]

If you could be any Star Trek character, who would you be, and why?

I see two answers to this.

One - Joseph Sisko (also known as The Sisko's Dad), an old man with a lot of concealed emotional scars who just stays the hell on Earth like a sensible person. "Outer space? Fuck that noise, I'm gonna stay home and cook crawdads."

Two - General Martok. A grizzled, one-eyed old Klingon soldier. He may be getting sick of all this crap, but he can still drink more bloodwine than you; and would likely just as soon stick a daqtagh between your ribs as look at you, you human weakling.

[EDIT: I seem to have only glanced at the question. I thought it was "who would you be," not "who would you be if you could pick anyone." In that case, I'm most definitely going with Martok. Qaplah!!]
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Dethluv [Nov. 7th, 2010|09:56 pm]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Hlidskjalf (F.K.A. Isengard)]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |William Shatner - Fuck You (Spoken-Word Version)]

[AUTHOR'S WARNING: This entry may contain amounts of sappiness and other associated emotions which some may consider excessive, as well as the possibility of discovering things you wish you didn't know. Reader discretion is advised, but not really cared about.]

So it's been a while since I posted anything on here (as you...may have noticed), and even longer since I posted anything about my life instead of just a Cranky Old Man Rant (TM). This is because most of my free time has been spent either working with horses, hanging out smoking and playing D&D with friends, or with my sweetheart.

I know what you're thinking. "Ohhhh, boy, there he goes again. You'd think he'd have learned by now."

Well, guess what? I have. I actually thought this one through, looked at it from every angle, and went with my gut for once instead of a sense of desperation instilled by having been treated like shit by girls in high school. My gut has a perfect track record (i.e. "Getting involved with this psychotic vampire bitch is a really, really, really bad idea"), and this is no exception.

No more pushy, overbearing control freaks or feminazis. She feels the same way I do about the roles of men and women, and is a true submissive. She prefers that I make the decisions, and so do I. Plus, she's extremely diligent about doing housework and is all about doing it in nothing but an apron.

No more twisting my words and no more fucked-up head games. She's so compassionate that even if she could do that, she'd wind up hurting herself just as much as me.

No more constant worrying about whether or not I might say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time and piss her off so bad that she just gives up and leaves. I've finally found a woman who can match my level of devotion.

No more being forced to deal with stupidity or incompetence. She's actually on my level of intelligence and we've been known to carry on debates on the merits of experimental string theory and the multiversal cosmology model.

No more having to feel like I've settled for someone less good-looking than I deserve. Big, vivid emerald-green eyes, long, luxurious chestnut hair, the cutest (and somehow at the same time most sexy) face on the planet, and skin like gently warmed silk. And yeah, I'll be the first to admit, the Eye-Popping E-Cups of Justice don't hurt either.


There's a bunch of other things that have been going on in my life as well, but I just thought I'd cover the most important one first. I'll be back relatively soon to tell all five of you about it.

Excelsior, True Believers!
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DethAnthem [Jul. 10th, 2010|11:13 pm]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[I'm |sillysilly]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Self-explanatory]

Our country reeks of trees
Our yaks are really large
And they smell like rotting beef carcasses

And we have to clean up after them
And our saddlesores are the best
We proudly wear women's clothing
And searing sand blows up our skirts

And the buzzards, they soar overhead
And poisonous snakes will devour us whole
Our bones will bleach in the sun

And we will probably go to Hell
And that is our great reward
For being the-uh Ro-yal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!

This entry brought to you by exceeding sobriety. You can go about your business.

Move along.
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DethIntrospective Analysis [Jun. 10th, 2010|06:50 am]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[I'm |apatheticIntrospective]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |DJ Blind - Dream of Zeal]

So I've been going through my archive of entries - all five years of them HOLY SHIT IT'S BEEN OVER FIVE YEARS - and I have come to the conclusion that most of them would make me sound like a self-obsessed, whiny, overdramatic asshole to someone who's never actually met me. But I know that I'm not really like that, so I'm not really sure how to feel about that fact.

But then again, maybe I really am like that and I'm just deluding myself, so who knows.

Or, then again, perhaps the whole thing is just me getting all down in the dumps and shit because I have like no spending money right now and stupid fucking technology being fucking stupid is preventing me from being able to talk to my woman, which invariably makes me feel better. All this in spite of the fact that my life is actually pretty OK right now, and is especially good compared to that of some of my friends who are having a really shitty time of it lately and I really can't wait to get my hands on some cash so I can help them have at least one good day because they're very good people and they really deserve it.

Yes, that last paragraph was SUPPOSED to consist of giant run-on sentences that would make most English majors gouge out their own eyes in sheer horror, thank you very much.


Lately, I keep wishing that I could interject myself into the universe of Questionable Content - despite the fact that it is set in my most hated of all American states - simply because I would throw all those people for such a complete fucking loop; seriously, there is absolutely no one who remotely resembles me in that comic, and I kinda like that fact. Also, I keep wondering if any of the myriad of female characters would find me attractive - partially because of some primal and inexorable part of my male ego, and partially because I have things I really don't like about all of them and thus I would find it highly amusing to watch Jessa brutally murder them if they were.

Thank you for bearing with me.


Also also, I miss my woman. I don't think anyone else could find a way to be warm and soft over the phone.

*=With one exception - anything regarding my seeming preference for long-distance relationships will result in the immediate ending of your existence in your current body.
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Dethshift [May. 9th, 2010|07:17 am]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Dethklok - Burn The Earth]

I hear people talk a lot about "the pussification of America," and for a time I agreed with them (for example, Bogart & Bacall vs. Affleck & Lopez). But then I got to thinking about it, and I realized it's not so much the pussification of America as it is the pussification of human society.

Want proof? You'd better, because I've got some.

Goths, circa 2000 years ago:

Goths, circa 2 years ago:

Vandals, circa 2000 years ago:

Vandals, circa 2 years ago:

I rest my case.

Ahh, those were the days...

Also, fuck the Romans.
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DethHaiku [Apr. 27th, 2010|01:50 pm]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[I'm |apatheticIndifferent]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Cars on the highway]

And now, for a demonstration of one of the only forms of poetry I don't consider to be a complete waste of time:

The human race, it
Irritates me to no end
You people are fucked

Thank you.
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Dethexasperation [Apr. 7th, 2010|11:01 pm]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[I'm |aggravatedExasperated]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Dethklok - I Tamper With The Evidence At The Murder Site of Odin]

An open letter to all fans of the later seasons of the popular television program Lost:



I think I might actually rather watch True Blood or something. I mean, can't you TELL that the writers are just making shit up as they go along now?

Good fucking LORD that shit is stupid.

Exception goes to the Taylors because they live near a government dispensary, and the only way that crap could make sense is with the assistance of awesome high-grade government weed.
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DethLOL [Apr. 5th, 2010|08:25 pm]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[I'm |amusedamused]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Trey Parker & Matt Stone - The Ballad of Joseph Smith]

...Well, sort of, anyway. A couple of you will LOL, most of you probably won't read it.

But it's my fucking textbox, so deals with it.

LJ Cut for comedic TMICollapse )
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DethFaceybook [Feb. 12th, 2010|07:00 am]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[I'm |amusedamused]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Frank Zappa - Tinseltown Rebellion]

You guys know how whenever I post a link to something funny on here, I always call it the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen?

Yeah, this is no different.

OK, so apparently there are a bunch of retards on the facebook who have no idea how to use the address bar, and just get to the site by typing "Facebook Login" into Google and clicking the very first link that pops up.

Yes, I am (for once) completely serious. People really do this.

Anyway, this worked well for them until this blog post titled "Facebook Wants To Be Your Only Login" became very popular - popular enough, apparently, to get itself ranked as the #1 Google search for "Facebook Login."

I think you're astute enough to see where this is going.

The comments section on this post...just...great Odin's beard, man. Ignorance, outrage, and double-digit IQ's congeal to form what I believe to be the Perfect Storm of Stupid. It's positively relativistic in scope. My mind was so thoroughly boggled by this that I thought I might have an aneurysm or something, but just wound up laughing for 20 minutes straight. It's...it's like an eclipse or something.

(Oh, and just in case any of the people who are always bugging the shit out of me to get a page on the facebook are reading this - I'M. NOT. DOING IT. END OF STORY. I don't like people knowing what I'm doing all the time. It kind of defeats the purpose of being a crazy old hermit.)
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Re: Avatar [Feb. 1st, 2010|05:04 am]
The Big Creepy Gaijin
[Current Location |Isengard]
[I'm |calmcalm]
[Song Currently Stuck in my Head |Dragonforce - Heartbreak Armageddon]

OK, so I was finally cajoled into seeing James Cameron's Ego; er, I mean, Avatar.

Believe what the internet tells you; it is indeed Ferngully meets Dances With Wolves in space, and somehow manages to be EVEN LESS SUBTLE than the reviews say it is. The script is total shit, but the visuals are actually worth paying some cash to see on a big screen. (Though someone really needs to explain to Mr. Cameron how this whole "gravity" thing works. Some kind of explanation for the floating mountains, even a bullshit one, would have been nice. I mean, at least Zendikar had innate magic.)

I was surprised, though, that I actually found two characters whom I actually really liked; Sigourney Weaver (I can't remember her character's name), and Colonel Quaritch. Weaver's character represents the only use of subtlety in the entire movie; I've heard people bitch and bitch and bitch about the fact that she smokes in every single one of her scenes, but that and her constant tired look represent the fact that she doesn't really give a flying fuck about her human body anymore. Plus, it's Sigourney Weaver; she knows a thing or two about how to play a role in a sci-fi movie.

The Colonel, on the other hand...man. He is just the most completely over-the-top, HOO-RAH marine motherfucker this side of R. Lee Ermey. I loved it. He constantly lifts weights because "this low gravity will make you soft," and had his face bitched up on the first day of his tour. The advanced medical science of the period could have removed the scars, but he decided to keep them "as a reminder that everything on this planet wants to kill you." Fucking badass.

But, of course, they both die. LOL SPOILERS.

On another note, it may surprise a couple of you to know that I was really, really rooting for the White Military-Industrial Complex element in this movie rather than the people who are TOTALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO BE INDIANS LOLZ. This is because A) It's just a movie, and it can be really fun to root for the bad guys sometimes; and B) My allegiances, first and foremost, are to Planet Earth. HOORAY FOR EARTH!

Besides, it would have been a much more poignant and meaningful film if the protagonists had gotten all geared-up for the final climactic battle only to be brutally and mercilessly slaughtered.

Aside from that, I just have one more thing to say. GODDAMN I hate it when the villains are intentionally underwritten, and this movie had that trope in fucking spades.

Know what I would have done in their place? OK, you get fucking humiliated by the natives Ewok-style and have to leave the planet. They expect you won't ever come back. Let them think that. Then, you send over a gi-fucking-normous orbital weapons platform, which will get there in 6 years - long enough to convince them that all threat of future invasion is out of the question. You get the latitude and longitude of the Tree Of Souls, put the station in geosynchronous orbit over the site, and drop two dozen fucking nukes on it. KILL THEIR GOD.

Oh, and to all those furfag losers who actually get depressed by this movie - FUCKING KILL YOURSELVES. At least you'll do us a favour by freeing up some much-needed resources. Pussies.

And that's all I have to say about that.
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